The Art of Giving: How to Give in a World Full of Takers

“You would’ve done the same for me.” I am ashamed of how many times this has been my reply to the words “thank you.” I am ashamed of this because of the implication that I carried out an act of kindness because I would expect the same from the person I did it for. “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” Looking back on all the times that I uttered, “You would’ve done the same for me,” I wonder if I measure up. I have been humbled by the memory of times where I had nothing to give, and needed so much.

A few years ago, I went through a very difficult time in my life during which I was so full of hurt and pain and loss that I couldn't offer anything to anybody if I tried. I lived with a family friend for a few months to escape a toxic home life. I was often like a ghost in their home, moody and unpredictable, but they loved me like one of their own anyway. I spent many sleepless nights awake with friends who understood that I couldn’t bear to be alone when the nightmares haunted me. I spent hours on the phone with friends who helped me carry the weight of my heartache, never complaining about the fact that I was easily distracted and often disinterested in their lives. I was sensitive and distant and hard to get along with, but in spite of that, people took the time to give me love. At that time in my life, I didn’t have anything to give back. I could only be a taker because the circumstances of my life had drained me. But after a few years of healing thanks to people who realized that I needed them to be givers of love and patience and comfort, I often find myself being a giver of compassion, time, advice, and so much more.

I still don’t know if I will ever be able to repay some of the people who helped me find myself when I was lost, but they’ve never held it against me and I’ve learned not to feel guilty about it. Life is cyclical and as we ride the roller coaster, we may sometimes find ourselves on the peaks, with so much to give. And at other times we may be trapped in the valleys feeling empty and in need of comfort and compassion. The key to this, I think, is accepting the role you’re meant to play. Give when you’re meant to give; give generously and without expectation. And take when you need to, but sparingly, without taking advantage. Understand that sometimes a person may be rendered so broken by the troubles of their lives that they aren’t able to give of themselves, and we shouldn’t be so cold as to hold that against them. And remember to celebrate in those moments when you find yourself playing the role of the giver, because it means that at least some part of you is whole and healthy and worth being shared.

Understandably, bad experiences with selfish people may make you wary of being too generous with your time, patience, love or money. But don't let it make you so jaded that you leave a broken person with their pieces on the floor when you know you can help them get themselves back together. Instead, learn the difference between those who take because they need to recharge, regrow and rediscover themselves and so are unable to give back to you, and those who would take advantage of your giving spirit. Stepping away from a person who is taking advantage of you is not selfishness, it self-care, and there is nothing wrong with that. But do not underestimate the value you add to this world when you’re willing to give. So many of us want to change the world but forget that big changes often happen in small steps. Your shoulder to lean on, your open ear, the five dollars you give to a homeless person, the favours you do for friends in need—all of those things add up. They may seem insignificant, but not all acts of heroism are grand.

Our iCentred society tells us we should always look out for number one because no one else will. But if we were less self-serving and more willing to lend a helping hand to others in whatever capacity we could, we'd probably see more success as families, communities, nations, as a species on a whole. What we achieve through collaborative efforts is often more impressive than what we achieve individually because as cliché as it sounds, there is strength in numbers. But the human tendency to be self-centred makes us divisive and uncooperative. We aren't willing to give to others unless we can get something in return and some of us won't accept help from anyone in order to justify our own selfishness. But I think if we chose to do one good thing for someone who couldn’t give us anything back, if we spent less time asking “what have you done for me lately?” and more time asking, “Can I do anything for you?” we could make this hard knock life just a little bit sweeter and a whole lot easier to bear.