Is 2025 the Year I Stop Disappointing Myself?
Hi, my name is Talia, and I am a recovering people-pleaser. As the eldest daughter of an immigrant Caribbean family, this affliction was pretty much a guarantee. The never-ending urge to put other people’s needs and expectations above my own feels like it’s carved into my bones and infused into my blood.
But I am, in fact, recovering. I have spent the last few years honing my ability to say no—to rules I don’t want to follow; to expectations I am not willing to meet; to sacrifices I shouldn’t have to make; to invitations I don’t want to accept. I wear what I want, say what I feel, and show up in the world with unbridled authenticity and radical honesty. I have learned to live life on my own terms, even when the cost is someone else’s disappointment or dismay.
Admittedly, it’s not always easy. It doesn’t feel good to disappoint people. Especially people close to my heart. Which is why this quote left me open-mouthed: “Why are you so okay with disappointing yourself?”
Yeah . . . I had to sit with that one a while. There is literally no one closer to my own heart than me. The damn thing is inside my chest. But while I have gotten much better at saying no to others in service of my own happiness, I am still way too comfortable letting myself down.
I am guilty of putting off goals, promising—and failing—to circle back to them. Year after year, I have abandoned resolutions and routines that I know would make my life better. I have fallen into bad habits and made excuses for why I won’t get my shit together. And while I swear my people-pleasing recovery is going well, I know in my heart that if I had needed to achieve those goals, maintain those routines, or ditch those bad habits for someone else, I would have had it handled.
So, the question remains: Why am I so okay with disappointing myself?
The simple answer is that I’m not. In my heart, I am devastated that I haven’t published my first book yet or been journaling consistently or invested in more professional development or kept so many other promises I’ve made to myself. I know it’s so cliché to say this at the top of a new year, but I really am ready to fix my life.
So, I’ve got a plan. None of this is ground-breaking. I am not pretending to have found some magic solution to procrastination and inaction. (I’m pretty sure there isn’t one.) This is a mishmash of advice I’ve heard (and ignored) before, but this time, I’m ready for it to stick.
Okay, here we go . . .
1. Write it down and make it real
Like I said, I’m not sharing anything groundbreaking. We’ve all heard this—if you want to achieve a goal, write it down. And I’ve done it before. I wrote the goals down in pretty script in a fancy notebook . . . and then promptly forgot about them. This time around, I’m trying something different. I still wrote the goals down in pretty script in a fancy notebook, but now, every night I revisit those goals. I read them aloud to myself like affirmations, and I reflect on what I’ve done that day to achieve them.
2. Turn thought into action fast
I am a chronic procrastinator. Blame it on ADHD or perfectionism or exhaustion, but the truth remains, I can put shit off. When good ideas spring into my head, I say, “I’ll get to that later.” Or when I find myself doom-scrolling, I say, “Five more minutes.” Well, ‘later’ sometimes doesn’t come and ‘five more minutes’ turns into 45 real fast.
This year, I’m challenging myself to move from ideas to action as soon as possible. For the past few weeks, whenever I’ve had a thought that supports my goals, I’ve acted on it right away. I started writing this post as soon as the idea hit me. I’ve filled my notes app with poems and pitches and plans that I would usually have let float away. And I’ve started closing apps as soon as I become aware that I’m wasting time. If I can’t beat procrastination by force, I will beat it with speed.
3. Make the promise to someone else
Until I get really good at not letting myself down, I am going to leverage my lingering people-pleasing tendencies for my own success. That means telling others my goals so they can hold me accountable. You know how hard it hits when your best friend keeps asking, “So, how’s the book coming along?” and she actually expects a real answer? Even if I am willing to disappoint myself by skipping a writing session, I am not prepared to face her wrath.
The key to this is to choose people who will really be on your ass about it. These ‘accountability buddies’ need to be people who are as passionate about your success and happiness as you are. And since birds of a feather usually flock together, you can return the favour by helping them stay on top of their goals too.
4. Put a (realistic) deadline on it
A goal without a deadline is just a dream. I’ve been saying I’m going to publish my first book since 2020. And it’s not that I haven’t been working on it sporadically over the past five years. But that’s the problem—it’s been sporadic because there was never a reason to move any more quickly or consistently.
Well, now I’ve set a date. (No, I’m not announcing it yet, but stay tuned). I’m okay if I have to push that deadline, because I am more committed to quality than speed, but having a date in my calendar means I now have a real sense of urgency that has me writing more often and more thoughtfully than before.
5. Ask yourself the tough questions
I have only been on this new journey for a few weeks, but I’ve already had to grab myself by my own collar and have some uncomfortable conversations. When I’m tempted to slack on the things that I want, I ask myself the question that inspired this journey in the first place: Why are you so okay with disappointing yourself? I also ask . . .
If you died tomorrow, would you be okay with the effort you put toward your goals?
Are you proud of the way you’re using your time and energy right now?
Do you really want to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be?
These questions force me to reflect on my choices and to be conscious and decisive about what I do (and don’t do).
Like I said, I’m not pretending to be a guru. I’m figuring this out as I go. But I’m sharing it here because I know I’m not alone on this journey. At a time of the year when a lot of us get excited about self-improvement and goal setting, it seems like a good idea to make this conversation and this process public. Maybe, together, we can figure out how to stop being so okay with disappointing ourselves and live a year we can be proud of.
I’ve shared some of my goals in this post. Now, I’ll challenge you to do the same in the comments. I’ll hold you accountable, and you can do the same for me. Here’s to a 2025 when we stop being willing to disappoint ourselves.
With love and discipline,
